I suppose it was about 15 or more years ago that I started writing prayer journals based on scripture. The first one that I wrote was on the New Testament and it began with very brief prayers on each chapter. Since then, I have redone the book of Revelation, written a number of journals on Old Testament books, and written a journal on Psalms 119. As I have written, the prayers have become longer as my time with Jesus has grown.

I finished up a prayer journal on the minor prophets last fall, and I decided to redo the whole New Testament—and it is going really slowly! I am right there, though, walking with Jesus, listening to him, allowing his words to penetrate my heart. I’m with the disciples and I am willing myself to hear, really hear, hear what Jesus is saying so that my life will be changed.

There is no doubt about my salvation. I know that when I die or when Jesus appears in the clouds, I will be with Him—I’m just finding some broken spots in my life that I know He wants to fix, particularly as we, since we are Bible-believing Christians, face increased opposition and hostility, as His return “is nearer to us now than when we first believed.” (Romans 13:11)

I read these verses the other day and they caused me to pause: “Brother will deliver brother over to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death, and you will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved. …Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his faither, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household….” (Matthew 10:21-22, 34-36)

I’ve read these verses in the past with a sigh of relief and an acknowledgement, “Thank God my children and grandchildren love Jesus!” And I am grateful.

However, I got to thinking about a lifetime of people pleasing—sacrifices to get love or gain approval, because I had experienced early on, the things I thought were special or important, were belittled or scorned. Little (and big) compromises becoming a lifestyle; indecisiveness, a pattern of pleasing other people, acting like a drop of water in a river, indistinguishable from currents around me was my safe place.

The beauty of Christianity, though, is this: Our differentness is special, and our giftedness is unique. “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” (Psalm 139:13-14)

 It’s tricky, though. We are called to be servants, to “do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3) Yet the person who is brought up in an authoritarian or an otherwise abusive situation, often gravitates to the “less-than” position, thinking that what they have to offer is not good enough, so they sacrifice their identity and passion to something, or someone (who they think) is acceptable.

It’s subtle, little personal compromises that one doesn’t notice until after the fact—compromises made, sacrifices sustained, not from a sense of joy in service, rather, a sense of duty or obligation—to be accepted or loved. It is also trying to figure out “What Would Jesus Do?” without asking Him what He would have you do in any given situation.

There comes a point in our relationship with Jesus where we have to say, “Though none go with me, still I will follow”; and there is a sense of “what if I really have to go it alone, will I be strong enough?”

We have God’s Word to encourage us:

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they follow me. I give them eternal like, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.” (John 10:28. 29)

And when I think I am alone:

“Jesus said, ‘Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.” (Mark 10:29-30)

I think it is amazing that God created families and made a place for each one of us in His family. I kind of wish that Jesus had left out that part about persecutions; however, I do not want to be taken by surprise by anything that the world or the enemy would use against us—although, I am continually surprised by the depravity of evil at work in the world, my faith in my Father, who sees the end from the beginning does not waver.

That’s really what it comes down to. Our hope and our future is not on this earth; whatever happens in coming days, our hope isn’t here, it is with Jesus. In the small picture, things may not happen the way we think they should; but in the big picture, things are right on course and happening the way God said they would. I am so grateful for the blessed rest I have in Jesus that He will see me through to the kingdom!